Last I left off, I decided to write a bit about my trip to LA due in part to having a shoot with Shannon Brooke.
This project was an exercising in exploring and celebrating myself. I wanted these images to reflect my coming out. They speak for me on what I am unable to put into words. It’s taken years and years of acceptance on my part and to undo the negative views I have of myself.
I had previously said that I had this sort of nebulous idea for a shoot. I had, in part, wanted it to help voice something I’ve been wanting to say.
I am queer and polyamorous.
This will not be much of a surprise for some; I’ve entrusted this truth to a select few over the years. So far, I’ve been very fortunate to be met with so much love and understanding. To expose something so deeply hidden and intimate that leaves me so vulnerable.
The fear of being ridiculed, scoffed at, or being told that I am not, sits at the forefront as to why it’s taken me so long to mention it publicly. I can handle rejection, but to be told that I am making it up is the thing that scares me the most. I suppose it stems from my childhood and having my experiences be invalidated by others.
While we weren’t allowed to have friends come over or go to parties and sleepovers, I nonetheless had a good circle of friends. It was from this environment in where I was introduced to healthier relationships, and what I know now to be platonic relationships. I like the feeling of safety in numbers as a way to diffuse and avoid singling out anyone to carry all the responsibility of being there for me.
As for being queer, well, I’ve always felt comfortable in its ambiguity and its vagueness. It is much easier to say what I am not, rather than trying to find a specific label that would fit.
One Halloween, I was dressed up as a pumpkin. It was probably around middle school at this point. While our group went about trick or’ treating, there was one specific house in which the person handing out the candy was wondering out loud whether I was a boy or not. Instead of feeling embarrassed, I remember feeling elated. It showed me the possibility of freedom to express myself without regard for gender roles or assumptions. The defining moment of this experience has remained a lasting impression on me.
I enjoyed selecting these looks from my wardrobe; I wanted to showcase my personality while also having them work with the theme behind the shoot. Except for the Thistle & Spire Fringe Benefits dress, I find these outfits to be very comfortable and wear them frequently. While it’s a somewhat androgynous theme, I wanted to avoid contorting myself to fit that description and let my personality and character be on display instead.
I have held on to these shoes for a good long while, with the idea of using them in a shoot. This was an excellent opportunity to wear them, and they complemented the Thistle & Spire dress nicely.
The wigs were also styled by me. I can’t rave enough about how much I love wearing them whenever I want a change of appearance. I no longer have the interest or energy to go to the salon to bleach and color my hair. This used to be an all-day affair, it was costly, and having to constantly do touch ups to my fast-growing roots just became too much.
There is also something to be said for being independent and not having to depend on others (quite liberating!).
This year, I will be 40, and it has taken me so long to come out and say it. Instead of thinking this is some indefinite truth about me, I want to mean it, solidify it. I am fortunate to have a life in which I have an incredibly supportive partner (and I mean that in every sense of the word) who has encouraged me to be comfortable in my skin. The journey of discovering, seeing, and realizing that this wasn’t just a phase is also reflected in this project.
MARS 